All good news about Asher for these past two days, on Monday the 8th and Tuesday the 9th. Little man is now a big 5 days old and already starting to show his strong personality. He grew 20g last night and he grew 40 grams two nights ago, so he’s on his way towards reaching his birth weight. He is tolerating his increase in feeds quite well, up to 9mL every 3 hours by now. He has been on and off of phototherapy to prevent the jaundice which the nurses say is to be expected. And the best news of all - he had his first brain scan yesterday morning and it is all normal. “his brain scan is normal, no issues found,” was the biggest relief in the world to us, those words sunk into the core of being and we cried immediately after hearing it. “Plus you can tell he’s normal because he’s so feisty,” the nurse said. We feel so blessed that this little man is starting on such a strong track even though he joined us so much earlier than we expected.
The truth is that Julia and I are exhausted right now. We are still recovering from a week in the hospital. Still finding our routine for getting into the nicu. Still rushing around to get everything ready. Still relying on everyone around us to cook and clean and organize. Still figuring it all out.
It’s really really hard for us to leave our baby boy every time. We know we need to take care of ourselves, but we feel the undeniable guilt each time we leave. We know he needs to rest in quiet, we know we are still spending a lot of time reading to him each day, we know he’s in good hands. But the feelings are still there, and they always will be. We want the best for this fighter, and it’s hard to not be able to do more. Asher did have a beautiful time connecting with his mama today as he laid skin to skin on her for over two hours. It was precious, gorgeous, beautiful, heart warming and indescribably meaningful. The most tiniest little human I’ve ever seen, and he’s ours, and he loves to lay on his mama. It’s just amazing.
It was really nice to FaceTime with Asher’s great grandma during his skin to skin time too. She almost cried seeing the little guy, hearing his quiet cry, watching him wiggle and listening to his soft sneezes. Boy is he cute.
We are also feeling so fortunate that Julia’s milk is coming in and she’s pumping enough to feed this guy all day long. You go warrior mom, rocking that powerful feminine energy! Julia enjoyed a relaxing gentle postnatal massage last night from a wonderfully kind practitioner Jamie who really helped to heal with her compassionate touch. Jordan learned from Jamie the age old practice of belly binding, which will help a lot with Julia’s recovery.
So I’ll keep this post short. The raw reality is that we’re tired, we’re exhausted, we’re overwhelmed. It’s hard to hold a conversation or be interested in other things. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that we only have so much energy. It’s just that we have to find our flow of getting it all together, getting to the NICU and getting home. It’s just that even sitting in the nicu with our baby takes so much energy. Even though it’s deeply inspiring to spend time with him, there’s something about it that is also exhausting. Maybe it’s all the cords hooked up to him, the constant alarms, the need to be super intentional with every movement, the fact that we’re still in a clinical setting in a hospital. Even these simple motions are exhausting right now. I think we’ll be able to get on top of everything soon enough, and I think every new parent feels a lot of these same struggles. Absolutely life changing in the most beautiful way and absolutely exhausting.
As always we are incredibly grateful for nurses who are nourishing our baby boy each and every day with their kind care and attention. We are grateful for our friends and family who nourish our own souls, who help to keep us going and bring many moments of joy and laughter throughout our difficult days. And we are grateful for life itself. The power that propels all beings forward with beauty and intensity. The drive to thrive is strong within us all and brings meaning to all our moments.
With love,
Jordan and Julia and Asher
